DECEMBER 23rd, 1993, 1998, 2003

DECEMBER 23rd, 1993

Still at Aunt Kay's. We cleaned her small apartment, wrapped gifts and went downtown. We shopped and ate at the Galleria and Tower City. At the tower I saw Mr. Schellentrager. I didn't approach him, thinking I wouldn't be remembered. Gosh, I miss 8th grade.

Sometimes I have strong feelings about people and things. Like I'll walk into a room and feel peoples emotions. Is this just observance or actual ESP?

Tomorrow we go to the traditional Holly Stone birthday Denny's breakfast. We're almost family.

DECEMBER 23rd, 1998

Last night, when I talked to BOYFRIEND 2, he told me how Michelle and his best friend were hooking up. I knew he was jealous and I tried my best to make it comfortable for him to admit it. He just kept saying it was cool. I was acting (I thought) pretty normal - going off on my usual silly tangents about crazy, silly things. He didn't talk much. He said I was acting funny. I didn't think so, but I made the excuse that I felt weird here. It's only been a couple of days! Are we even gonna make it through this vacation? I should have realized his feelings are very flighty. I told him if I could just see him and hug him, he'd know it was the same Jess. At least I'll be ready if he starts to gradually pull away. I knew it would happen. I'm afraid to talk to him. I don't want to push him away like I feel I'm doing.

I thought I saw BOY delivering pizzas with a shaved head today while I was at Drug Mart. I think he recognized me, but I ignored him. I have Heather's car now and no place to go. I feel so pent-up. I feel helpless. It's too soon for BOYFRIEND 2 and I to be apart. His feelings for Michelle are still too close. Oh well. If I lose him, I really think I could win him back in BG. I mean, he loves me! Ahh, but he's loved a lot of girls...

I visit the Baywatch and the Playboy Search webpages a lot. I think the quickest way to fame for me would be through Baywatch. I just need to get blonder. Maybe Heather will want to spend summer break in California and take me with her.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve at Uncle Nick's, my favorite family day of the year. We have a great feast of pierogies and mushrooms and fish a ton of other things. I can't wait.

I miss BG. I miss being with BOYFRIEND 2. I want to go to California.

DECEMBER 23rd, 2003

Last night was the best time I've ever had with BOYFRIEND 4. You know how I always go on and on listing all the nice things he says to me, all the things that make me happy? Well, there's not enough room in this journal for all the stuff he said last night.

But he assures me LA is not in his future. I still refuse to believe I'll never see him again. He is convinced I'll be moving on to the first available Hollywood Hunk. I tried to let him know that I will not be able to forget him. He's my puzzle piece. We fit together. Maybe it'll take a few years to convince him. I'll wait. I told him if he ever thought of marrying someone else to call me first. Come date me for a week, give me one last chance.

Tonight made me realize how much I truly care about him. I'm scared.